dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize