Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
