to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Randomize
