wat bout pragnant strippers??
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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