my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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