I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
