I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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