apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
