she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
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