Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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