I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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