JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
