I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
I find it funny that "sexual harassment" contains the phrase "ass sex". Let me know what your thoughts are on the matter.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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