I'm pants shitting drunk right now
At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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