so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
