so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Randomize
