This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Randomize
