I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
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