Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Randomize
