I sk at the spereo and my dad gave me and all access pass
what???
AN ALL ACCESS PASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
