Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Randomize
