I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Randomize
