Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
Randomize
