I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
What a fucking waste of an outfit
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
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