Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Randomize
