Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize