There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize
