My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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