Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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