Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Randomize
