sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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