you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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