I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
