i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
