Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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