I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize
