I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
I use my feet as sexual weapons
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
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