you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
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