fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
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