did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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