I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
I need to align my fucking chakras
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