do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
