I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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