oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize