I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Randomize
