Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
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