I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
