I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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