she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
