she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
