So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize
