I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Randomize
