Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
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