remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Randomize
