One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
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