Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Randomize
