you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Randomize
