just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
Randomize
