My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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